EVERY SO OFTEN I have a phone conversation with my older brother T that makes me wonder if I was abducted by an alien family in my sleep. I’ve shared my version of these such phone calls twice now (the last one is here), but this time I’d like to portray my occasional lame attempts to prank call the infamous prank caller.

Phone rings.
T: (answering in a high-pitched rambling voice) Whatchoo need fool?
Me: This is the police!
T: Whatchootalkinabout fool?
Me: We have a code 487, and we’re coming to arrest you.
T: Code 487!? No way, fool. That wasn’t me, fool.
Me: Yes it was. You’re in deep trouble.
T: Please, fool. Get your codes right, fool.
Me: I know my codes! Code 487 is serious. Stealing cheese is serious.
T: I never stole no cheese, fool. Woman, please.
Me: (losing steam) Actually this is Anna.
T: I know that, fool. Whatchoo need, fool?
Me: Nothing. Never mind.
T: Ok, fool. Why you callin’ me for nothing, fool?
Me: Just forget it. Bye.
T: Later, fool.

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They don't call him "Flex A Lot" for nothing.

WHAT ARE THE REAL SOUNDS OF SIBLING LOVE? I gave one example a few weeks ago, with my own interpretation of my brother’s frequent phone calls portraying his favorite characters. What follows is round two:

phone rings
Me: Hello?
T: Yeah, hi. (He dives right in with thick pseudo Jersey accent.)
Me: Hi Teva.
T: I don’t know any Tevas.
Me: Oh really.
T: (His accent grows quite thick, I can tell he’s been practicing this line): This is Frank Rizzo.
Me: (sighing) Oh, hey Frank.
T: (repeats) This is Frank Rizzo and I heard there was some trouble over there. I gotta call from Bobby Zitti.
Me: No trouble.
T: You need me to take care of anyone?
Me: Everything’s fine. (Halfhearted attempt to play along.) Um, thanks, I guess.
T: (again) This is Frank Rizz–
Me: –Do you need something T?
T: Ah, well no. (Back to normal T voice.) Actually, is Mom there?
Me: Yeah, hold on.
T: Ok.
Me: Talk to you later.
T: Bye.

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MY VERSION OF THE KINDS of phone calls I frequently have with my adult brother (and this sort of thing has been known to happen multiple times a day, mind you):

(phone rings)
Me: “Hello.”
T: (strange breathy sounds) “Uhhhhh, Hi.”
Me: “Oh, hi T. What’s going on?”
T: “This is not T. (dramatic voice change, up three octaves.) This is Mildred.”
Me: (sighing) “Alright Mildred. What do you want?”
T: “Are you bringing coleslaw to the church picnic? Because I was going to bring coleslaw, but I can find the cabbage and I want pickles too. And cabb—”
Me: “Come on, T. What do you want?”
T: “I told you this is Mildred!”
Me: “You were the one who called me. What do you need? I’m working!”
T: (back to normal T voice) “Oh, ok. Um, nothing. I was just—I was just calling to say hey.”
Me: “Ok, hey.”
T: “Hey.”
Me: “Hey.”
T: “I guess I’ll just talk to you later.”
Me: “Ok, bye.”
T: “See ya.”

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