IF YOU KNEW US only for an instant, you might think us to be something that we’re not. That’s because I’m the loud sister. Always have been. And loud gets mistaken for tough, especially in women. But Margaret is the tough one, hand-down. Don’t believe me? See what she sent me in the recent ice storm.
As I said in my reply to her post, that characterizes her. No mere basket of cheer for Margaret; when her sister was in trouble, that sister sent power tools. She’s tough, and never tougher than on gifts, though not only in the giving.
Perhaps the best example of her toughness on the receiving end is the sweater I knit her one Christmas that I have never seen her wear. And this is after I let her pick out the yarn, the color, and the pattern: wool, gray with no flecks of color, no cables, bobbles or anything to break up the boredom of the knitter. Made to spec, I have never once seen it on the woman.
The big sister screws in her jeweler’s eye and may or may not deign to actually wear the gift, but in accepting it, accepts the giver.
I’m the younger sister and true to pecking order, I not only find her response to the sweater hilarious, but when she’s around, I’m always either wearing or using at least one thing she’s given me. I also use the moisturizer she recommends, the shampoo she started me on, as well as the lip balm she does. Whenever I read those social-science pieces about birth order I always laugh, so clothed are they in clinical language while naked of the real-life illustrations that any sister can provide.
Here, from my side, is what the Christmas adult big-sister/little-sister relationship looks like: The older hands a wrapped box to the younger, the other nods enthusiastically, opening it, shucking her shirt beneath the Christmas tree, and putting the new one right on her body. Reversed, with the little sister as giver, the big sister screws in her jeweler’s eye and may or may not deign to actually wear the gift, but in accepting it, accepts the giver. And on they go.
These quirky roles can irk the hell out of husbands and boyfriends. Many a wife or lover has been asked the ridiculous holiday question by an onlooker of, “Why do you let her do that?” or heard, “But you don’t wear pajamas” in the aftermath.
Trust us on this: Sisters know best. Along with the candles, tinsel or bourbon balls, these are the prescribed roles that keep the holiday train moving forward. You want to get to that turkey and stuffing? Let us enact our ancient ritual. Question it, and we might just cook your Christmas goose.
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So I guess everyone knows what I will be wearing to your house this week for Christmas: the gray sweater. (Actually, it is beautiful, but wildly, wildly scratchy…funny, huh?)
I am fascinated by the whole topic of gifts, and how not just among genetic sisters but even among longtime sister-friends the perception of taste and what’s “just right” for someone is so elusive, so tricky (and so loaded with meaning and the potential to hurt, or disappoint).
In some ways I am relieved this year that everyone I know, family and friends alike, is saying “Let’s not exchange gifts.” Phew.
If she wears the sweater, I will take a photo and post it. Promise. Then I’ll let her take it off. Promise. Then I’ll see if it fits me.
I can relate to this. I have three sisters. One older, two younger. However, only the older one seems capable of knitting or crocheting or sewing or weaving or spinning. I have a beautiful pair of socks that she knit for me one Christmas. I love them, and wear them for special occasions only, like Christmas when I see her, because I don’t want to wear them out. They aren’t scratchy at all!
Hi, Carol. Welcome. I love your respect and love for the gift of socks. (I have a pair on my needles right now). I’m so glad for more encouragement for my theory that true-to-pecking order, we younger sisters always show up wearing something we’ve been given by an older sister. So what’s on your holiday list to give to them? Can you give us a hint?
Nice to see you here, Carol, in the gardening “offseason.” The best thing Marion ever knitted for me was very early in her knitting career, when she made a pair of black mittens onto which she embroidered my name in wildly childish-looking hot-pink script. The two mittens are completely different sizes…one about 3 inches longer than the other…but I cherish them.
Hi Marion,
Your stories fill my heart. I have a younger sister, I use to buy great old vintage jewelry for at Christmas time, she always had a wonderful response and most of all I loved to the hunt. To my surprise one year she said don’t give me these anymore I do not like them. Who knew. Gifting is so hard, to any one, especially sisters. All I know, I love to give, that is the best part.
Welcome, Susan. You’re right, of course, that the best part is in the giving. I never knew – until Margaret posted it here – that she cherishes the crazy mis-matched mittens I made her. So keep on giving, is my advice. And enjoy it. And please keep giving us your insights into sisterhood. They are gifts we always appreciate.
OMG. Gift giving. Shouldn’t they teach a course on this in high school? Everyone I know flails about trying to get it right. I can’t speak to the sister aspect…I’m the only girl in my family. But I’ve been blessed with a quiver-full of the best sister-friends a girl could ever hope for, including two sisters-in-law. Once in a while, we find that perfect alchemy that occurs when a gift delights both the giver and the gifted. My friend Lise has been glowing with anticipation of giving me her Christmas gift…and when I opened it I squealed. I love antiques, collect teapots and am a history hound, especially in love with Abraham Lincoln. The gift was an antique teapot, covered with kitschy little portraits of all the presidents from Washington to Lyndon Johnson. The best gifts say, “I’ve noticed who you are, and I love that about you.”
Hi, Kathryn. Welcome. A sister whose gift makes us squeal is a sister who – you said it, sister – notices who you are and loves you for it. Wonderfully put, as is the “quiver-full” of best friends. Please keep visiting. We love how you sling the language of sisterhood.
A late arrival here so playing catch up.
I simply wanted to thank Kathryn for summing up the art of true gifting so succinctly “I’ve noticed who you are, and I love that about you.”.
One dear friend of mine persisted for years to buy me gifts that suited her to a “T” and really had nothing to do with me. She loved the gifts, she loved me, she never saw the disconnect.
I learned to accept that from her and about her. When she loved another person the boundaries between melted and any gift she loved became a gift she would give up for the other.
Hey, Deb: We might have the same friend. Just kidding, though you seem to be taking all this better than I do, so I’m paying real attention, and am helped by your brilliant idea that she is giving up something she loves for me. How intelligent. How generous of you to offer that wisdom as a gift to me. Thank you, sister.