A SISTER-FRIEND FROM OUR extended network, writer and yoga instructor Joely Johnson Mork, sent us the following piece back in December, during which time all of us were otherwise engaged making other kinds of lists. But I keep thinking of Joely’s offering, and wanted to share it. One week after a loss she was certain she would never write about, the death of her best friend, I asked Joely, a former student in my memoir-writing class, if she thought she could simply bring in a list of thoughts related to the event. She actually she wrote a series of three lists, about her last visit with Mary. I offer them here, in another busy time of year, to again help us take stock of what we value.
Joely’s List That Helps With Loss
What I Brought
1. A copy of Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young’s “So Far.”
2. Three sticks of Buddhist incense that had been hand-delivered to me from Japan by a former lover.
3. A single change of clothes thrown without thinking into a canvas bag.
4. A week’s supply of Zoloft and Ativan.
5. My journal.
6. My marijuana pipe.
7. The turquoise necklace Mary brought back for me from Scottsdale.What I Heard
1. Gale saying very solemnly, “Be prepared,” bowing her head to me as I walked toward the dining room where Mary was lying in her rented hospital bed.
2. The old-woman rasping of Mary’s breath.
3. Her husband’s surprised-sounding sobs.
4. The mechanical ocean sound of the oxygen tank.
5. Jeanne’s musical voice telling her daughter how honored she was to have been her mother and that it was OK to die now.
6. The moist crackle of fluid settling in Mary’s lungs.
7. The familiar, precious echo of Mary’s speaking voice breaking through her unconscious attempts to cough.
8. Thunder approaching with heavy boots and an empty sack slung over its back.
9. The release of rain on the leaves and earth outside the dining room windows.
10. The grinding of the hospital bed motor as we lowered the mattress after Mary had left us.What I Said
1. On arriving, entering the kitchen to meet the crumpled faces of my friends standing there, “Oh, is she getting ready to spread her wings?”
2. “You have led an amazing life – you’ve done so much, we will all remember you.”
3. Whispered to Mary, when we were alone, “You are standing in front of a gate to a beautiful garden and the key is in your hand. Open the lock and let yourself walk inside. The sun is shining there – go, go, go.”(For Mary “Mesa” Kittle, dear friend-sister.)
Of course, this reminds us of the gorgeous piece by TSP-new-sister Marilyn Pollack-Naron, and reminds us too, to read through the original comments sent to TSP and to Joely, as well as to ask you to send us your list, in the comments or by email to thesisterproject at gmail dot com.
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Beautiful.
Hi, Danielle. Yes it is. We just love this. Do you have a list you’d like to share? We’d love to read it. Thanks so much for visiting. Please come back.
This piece of writing makes me both cry and swoon at its beauty, every time.
I’m typing through tears–I just lost my only sibling, my big brother, on May 8–and this is simultaneously so very hard to read and so very lovely.
Oh, Sherri. We’re so very sorry for your loss. We are grateful, though, that our list helps you however it does. Have you got a list you’d like to start? We’d be glad to help. What are the things he might say about the month of May, for instance? Just some phrases, listed, not about the death. Any ideas?
Just stumbled on this site looking for something to help me deal with the loss of my dearest big sister. She passed on just this morning in a land faraway from me. The lists sounds so familiar as I had just visited her last week. So painfully sad yet beautiful.
Dear Prisca: The sisters of TSP welcome you, and bow our heads to your grief. Much like writing, grief is lived one word at a time. If you’d like to share your words here, we’d be honored to read them, as would others whose own loss experiences might benefit from them. Please stay in touch. The sisterhood of TSP is your sisterhood, as well.