SOMETIMES THE NEWS is simply too stupid to be ignored. Don’t agree? Did you read what the writer V.S. Naipual said recently about women writers? No? You should. He said that no women writer is his equal. He did. Not even Jane Austen, he claimed.

Yes he did. And after you stop laughing right out loud at his inane, self-serving remarks, you might, like I did, get just the eeensiest bit pissed off.

Not one to ever burn any book ever (except that one algebra text book after squeaking by in high school; really it was more a celebration than a bonfire), I’m thinking up uses for my considerable collection of Naipul books. As padding between the air conditioner and the window sill, perhaps? As a step stool, to reach high up on my shelves to get to the truly great writers? Open, on the floor, as a bathmat, to absorb my castoffs from the shower?

Got ideas, sisters? I’m making a list. And you know how we love those.

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MAKING A LIST. That’s my duty, according to Sheilaa, everyone’s favorite astrologer. And it’s advice I’m comfortable with, since I love making lists. What does Sheilaa have in store for you? Are you brave enough to look?

In her April, 2011 predictions, Sheilaa reminds us that we are in another Mercury Retrograde. During the last one I lost my kitchen. Totally. To water damage, right down to the studs and bare floor, and it was the grace of sisterhood that got me through the project.

Now Sheilaa suggests for me a prioritized list, and I’m good with that, since if you know me at all, you know how I love my lists. In fact, I have an entire category here on my blog devoted to them.

Check it out. And check out what the stars have in store for you.

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Me, on the swim team, before I knew the 15 Rules.

ASKING FOR HELP. Oh, was that a shudder I saw go down your spine? What is it about asking for help that sets women on edge? No, I’m not talking about calling a babysitter. I’m talking about asking for real help, reaching out and saying “I’m not sure what to do,” or “I’m not good at this at all,” or “This makes me shake.” Maybe you are an exception to this, but I only recently came to extol the virtues of the skill of asking for help. And now I think I’ll plant a “Help Wanted” sign on my lawn. And why not?

I want help. I need help. But more to the point, I appreciate the help that I get, whether it be with life advice, with my finances, or just projects around the house. This was hard won for me. And so I am adding it to the 15 Rules for Us Girls to Live By.

Do you know the rules?

Do you know that sister Paige broke a big one recently?

Well, here’s rule number 16: It’s a smart woman who knows how and when to ask for help, and who then takes that help and does what she can with it.

What would you add to this?

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GO ASK ALICE. That single lyric sent me down and through the rabbit hole the other day as I was cruising around with my new Sirius/XM car radio. Well, there was a car attached, though to me the vehicle was but a large sound system in which I was happily ensconced, a magic carpet ride back to the days when I sang in rock bands. Now there is a sentence to curls the hair of one’s child, yes? I sang in rock bands, and with the help of my new car’s radio, I’m back belting out the songs I covered, re-upping my love for the playlist of my life. Have you got one? I suspect you do.

My years as a rock and roll singer were few – part of high school and into college – but I loved every turbulent minute of it, covering anything sung by Christine McVie (of the original Fleetwood Mac) and Bonnie Raitt. As you can see from the photo I recently unearthed, I tried hard to look the part, though the Dr. Scholl sandals are a dead giveaway that I was never really cool enough for the role.

No matter. I learned my lines, belted out my tunes and did my best until other interests came and swept me away from the band. That is, until now. Now with my Sirius/XM Radio, I am back in full voice, and delighted to be back in touch with the playlist of my life and, along with the lyrics, remembering those women who are attached to these songs almost as tightly as I was to the jeans I used to wear. I love that twinned memory aspect of music, don’t you?

So, shout it out sisters! Who is on your playlist and what songs bind you together?

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Me, on the swim team, before I knew the 15 Rules.

PAIGE DID IT. She broke the rules. She knew she was doing it as she did it, and she did it anyway. We were in a Skype call when she did it, and we sighed the collective sigh of the TSP sisterhood when she did, since we’ve all done the same thing, broken the same rule, and will do it again, probably as soon as today. Is this the one you break most, as well?

Maybe rules are meant not be broken, but this one of the 15 Rules for Us Girls to Live By never should be. I was just saying this to my friend Susie last night, when I suggested that she would never, ever let anyone speak to her sister the way she speaks to herself. If someone said to Margaret the things I said to myself about me and my miserable, insufferable, dreadful…oooops, there I go…I’d smack that person to the ground. I’d samba on him with my ice cleats. I’d read her the inanity of Ann Coulter until her eyes bled. I’d, well, I’d just not tolerate it.

And yet that voice comes a-roaring up whenever we feel less than what we think we should be.

Why?

If you know, let us know, sisters, but until then, read the rules and get back on the program. And add some of your own. That’s what a list is for.

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LOSING A SISTER. The mere phrase makes me bow my head and mumble words of desperate hope to never confront such a tragedy. And yet, of course, we’ve all lost sisters, whether biological or befriended, and the chill of it stays with us forever. News came last week of the loss of a friend, the loss to all who knew her of a fine, brave woman, mother and sister. Lost to breast cancer. We are bereft, and reach out as we can to sisters everywhere to bang your drums, or shake your fists, pray, mourn, remember, or do what it is you do when another fine woman is taken by this – or any – dreadful disease.

I had not seen Sue in nearly twenty years. And so I feel almost as though I am intruding on the grief of those with whom she was most close; her sister Anne, for instance, who bravely posted the terrible news last week as she awaited a flight home. I bow my head to you, Anne, and to your love.

I sailed with Sue for many years, and she was always the single most dependable, funny, interesting and charming one among us. On the phone last week with the captain of the boat on which both Sue and I crewed, he and I agreed that she was the only one of us who created no drama, and yet supplied such joy. I admired that she went to Africa for the Peace Corps. I celebrated her marriage and the birth of her daughter. We sailed together through our twenties and into our thirties, and we talked for days and nights that we hoped would last forever, and I like to think that in that time, from her own exemplary steadfastness, I learned something of how to be a friend.

This is a genuine loss to the world.

When we began The Sister Project, we did so at the beginning of a holiday season, and almost immediately heard from sisters everywhere that while they were glad to be part of the conversation, we had neglected the toughest part of sisterhood, that being the loss of a sister. So many women wrote to us of this that it prompted me to run this post. We call it The List That Helps with Loss.

It is all I can think to do right now, and I offer it in memory of our friend Sue.

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Me, on the swim team, before I knew the 15 Rules.

I BROKE THE RULES. In my defense, I must say that I did not break all of them–just one, though it was the most important of them all. Driving the car, there I was screaming at myself for having forgotten something, asking myself how I could ever be so stupid. And then I remembered: No sister would let me do that. Would you?

No, you would not. I broke Rule Number 15, from the 15 Rules for Us Girls to Live By. If a friend of my daughter spoke to my child the way I was speaking to myself, I’d intervene something fierce. If someone spoke to my sister, Margaret, in that manner, I’d take that person down. So, among those New Year resolutions I plan to keep, is one that requires that I fess up when I break the rules.

Thanks. I feel a lot better. And I’ll try not to do that again. Though if I do, you’ll be the first to know.

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THE TRUTH ISN’T ALWAYS FUNNY. If you want a funny list, we’ve got it. But not here. This time I’m taking on the single, galvanizing not-funny aspect of the sisterhood. And just what is that? Time. How we manage time.

Yeah, sisters, we’re talking time, that hideous topic, that elephant in every room in our homes. And I’m doing it as a “don’t” list, as opposed to all our other TSP lists, taking this by the proverbial horns, and wrestling to the ground some of the things we all sometimes need to say. Please feel free to add, since to date my list is short, and not at all sweet.

I call it “The Big 5: The Please Don’ts” of the Sisterhood.”

Here it is.

1. Don’t tell us again how much you wish we could have been there, wherever it was you wanted us to be. We wish we had been there, too, but our child had a tennis lesson.

2. Don’t tell us we do too much. We know we do too much. But which of the things we do would you have us give up? That thing we do with you, perhaps?

3. Don’t tell us we buy too many books. One can never buy too many books.

4. Don’t tell us we look tired. We prefer to think we look fully engaged.

5. Don’t confuse a blank look with something we want to see. Much of any long-term relationship is pantomime, so get your mime on, honey, and at least look interested.

Anything else on your don’ts, or do those five about cover it?

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Me, on the swim team, before I knew the 15 Rules.

WHY WOULD I BE ASKED TO SPEAK at a school commencement, my daughter wanted to know? I am no one’s idea of a traditional role model. But I’ve been able to chart my life to do what I love, so my speech turned out to be a list of rules to help the girls do just that. 15 Rules for Living, from overseas travel to a certain pair of red shoes:

1. Never be without at least one pair of red shoes. There are few situations in life that cannot be improved by them.

2. Don’t read the Cliff Notes. Read the book. Much like life, it’s not what happened, but how it happened—how the insecurities of one person, the passions, the human inability to choose well, the human ability to choose brilliantly—result in the events in the story.

3. Wear lipstick. It feels great, and it’s fun, and all too often we depend on other people to make us feel good and show us a good time. Get yourself some lipstick, and every time you apply it, remember that this is one of your rules of life: to show yourself a good time, in your shade, on your terms.

4. If more than three people are rushing off to do something and it’s not an organized sport, stop, take a minute, and decide for yourself: Do you really want to do anything with this pack of people?

5. Choosing a college or a major field of study because somebody who likes you and is cute chooses that college or field of study makes about as much sense as eating raw, poisonous sea urchins: I know it’s done in some parts of the world, but I can’t imagine why.

6. If you fear it, try it. And we don’t mean merely piercing. Try out for the play, speak truth to someone in power, get help for a problem, say no to someone who wants to do something with your body that you’re not sure you want to do.

7. An old expression says you can never be too rich or too thin. Yes you can. Of course you can be too thin. Too rich? We all are, every day that a child anywhere on earth goes hungry.

8. It is not possible to be too funny.  Don’t envy others’ abilities to make people laugh. Work on your own funny voice. You have one.

9. If your college has a program abroad, go. We’ll get over it, and soon we’ll be bragging about how brave you were to go to Nairobi.

10. If it seems like a bad idea, it is.

11. There is no such thing as a good reason to drop out of college.

12. Be loyal. To your friends, to your family and absolutely, to the schools who teach you. It’s easy to pretend that your school doesn’t mean a great deal to you. Anybody can do that. But it’s an interesting woman who graciously credits others for the time spent educating her.

13. Unlucky? Nope. Here’s all you need to know about luck. You make your own luck. That’s a quote from Napoleon who knew a thing or two about seizing the day.

14. A quote from perhaps a wiser man, certainly a man whose advice I try to follow, “Never, never, never quit.” Said by Winston Churchill.

15. Here’s the secret to self-esteem: It begins and ends in how you are spoken to. And the fundamental voice you need to listen to is your own. Speak to yourself the way you would speak to your best friend.

Fifteen rules. When in doubt of what to do, try this litmus test:

Is this the Cliff Notes, or the real thing? If I simply took the time to go back to my dorm room and got my lipstick, would doing what this person wants me to do still seem like a good idea when I got back? Do I truly want to be a pottery major? Does this group have my best interests at heart, or do they want me with them because I’m special and I make them seem more special? Am I afraid of doing that, and why? Will I be proud of myself if I do it anyway? What would I say to someone else right now if I wanted her to succeed? What would a snappy pair of red shoes do right now to my attitude? And what that I know to be absolutely true about how to succeed, can I add to this list?

Here at TSP, we love lists. Check out some of our others.

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A SISTER-FRIEND FROM OUR extended network, writer and yoga instructor Joely Johnson Mork, sent us the following piece back in December, during which time all of us were otherwise engaged making other kinds of lists. But I keep thinking of Joely’s offering, and wanted to share it. One week after a loss she was certain she would never write about, the death of her best friend, I asked Joely, a former student in my memoir-writing class, if she thought she could simply bring in a list of thoughts related to the event. She actually she wrote a series of three lists, about her last visit with Mary. I offer them here, in another busy time of year, to again help us take stock of what we value.

Joely’s List That Helps With Loss

What I Brought
1. A copy of Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young’s “So Far.”
2. Three sticks of Buddhist incense that had been hand-delivered to me from Japan by a former lover.
3. A single change of clothes thrown without thinking into a canvas bag.
4. A week’s supply of Zoloft and Ativan.
5. My journal.
6. My marijuana pipe.
7. The turquoise necklace Mary brought back for me from Scottsdale.

What I Heard
1. Gale saying very solemnly, “Be prepared,” bowing her head to me as I walked toward the dining room where Mary was lying in her rented hospital bed.
2. The old-woman rasping of Mary’s breath.
3. Her husband’s surprised-sounding sobs.
4. The mechanical ocean sound of the oxygen tank.
5. Jeanne’s musical voice telling her daughter how honored she was to have been her mother and that it was OK to die now.
6. The moist crackle of fluid settling in Mary’s lungs.
7. The familiar, precious echo of Mary’s speaking voice breaking through her unconscious attempts to cough.
8. Thunder approaching with heavy boots and an empty sack slung over its back.
9. The release of rain on the leaves and earth outside the dining room windows.
10. The grinding of the hospital bed motor as we lowered the mattress after Mary had left us.

What I Said
1. On arriving, entering the kitchen to meet the crumpled faces of my friends standing there, “Oh, is she getting ready to spread her wings?”
2. “You have led an amazing life – you’ve done so much, we will all remember you.”
3. Whispered to Mary, when we were alone, “You are standing in front of a gate to a beautiful garden and the key is in your hand. Open the lock and let yourself walk inside. The sun is shining there – go, go, go.”

(For Mary “Mesa” Kittle, dear friend-sister.)

Of course, this reminds us of the gorgeous piece by TSP-new-sister Marilyn Pollack-Naron, and reminds us too, to read through the original comments sent to TSP and to Joely, as well as to ask you to send us your list, in the comments or by email to thesisterproject at gmail dot com.

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