Me, on the swim team, before I knew the 15 Rules.
WHY WOULD I BE ASKED TO SPEAK at a school commencement, my daughter wanted to know? I am no one’s idea of a traditional role model. But I’ve been able to chart my life to do what I love, so my speech turned out to be a list of rules to help the girls do just that. 15 Rules for Living, from overseas travel to a certain pair of red shoes:
1. Never be without at least one pair of red shoes. There are few situations in life that cannot be improved by them.
2. Don’t read the Cliff Notes. Read the book. Much like life, it’s not what happened, but how it happened—how the insecurities of one person, the passions, the human inability to choose well, the human ability to choose brilliantly—result in the events in the story.
3. Wear lipstick. It feels great, and it’s fun, and all too often we depend on other people to make us feel good and show us a good time. Get yourself some lipstick, and every time you apply it, remember that this is one of your rules of life: to show yourself a good time, in your shade, on your terms.
4. If more than three people are rushing off to do something and it’s not an organized sport, stop, take a minute, and decide for yourself: Do you really want to do anything with this pack of people?
5. Choosing a college or a major field of study because somebody who likes you and is cute chooses that college or field of study makes about as much sense as eating raw, poisonous sea urchins: I know it’s done in some parts of the world, but I can’t imagine why.
6. If you fear it, try it. And we don’t mean merely piercing. Try out for the play, speak truth to someone in power, get help for a problem, say no to someone who wants to do something with your body that you’re not sure you want to do.
7. An old expression says you can never be too rich or too thin. Yes you can. Of course you can be too thin. Too rich? We all are, every day that a child anywhere on earth goes hungry.
8. It is not possible to be too funny. Don’t envy others’ abilities to make people laugh. Work on your own funny voice. You have one.
9. If your college has a program abroad, go. We’ll get over it, and soon we’ll be bragging about how brave you were to go to Nairobi.
10. If it seems like a bad idea, it is.
11. There is no such thing as a good reason to drop out of college.
12. Be loyal. To your friends, to your family and absolutely, to the schools who teach you. It’s easy to pretend that your school doesn’t mean a great deal to you. Anybody can do that. But it’s an interesting woman who graciously credits others for the time spent educating her.
13. Unlucky? Nope. Here’s all you need to know about luck. You make your own luck. That’s a quote from Napoleon who knew a thing or two about seizing the day.
14. A quote from perhaps a wiser man, certainly a man whose advice I try to follow, “Never, never, never quit.” Said by Winston Churchill.
15. Here’s the secret to self-esteem: It begins and ends in how you are spoken to. And the fundamental voice you need to listen to is your own. Speak to yourself the way you would speak to your best friend.
Fifteen rules. When in doubt of what to do, try this litmus test:
Is this the Cliff Notes, or the real thing? If I simply took the time to go back to my dorm room and got my lipstick, would doing what this person wants me to do still seem like a good idea when I got back? Do I truly want to be a pottery major? Does this group have my best interests at heart, or do they want me with them because I’m special and I make them seem more special? Am I afraid of doing that, and why? Will I be proud of myself if I do it anyway? What would I say to someone else right now if I wanted her to succeed? What would a snappy pair of red shoes do right now to my attitude? And what that I know to be absolutely true about how to succeed, can I add to this list?
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{ 68 comments… read them below or add one }
Marion, how I miss our on-air chats. Also, how lucky your daughter is to have you and Aunt Margaret in her life!!
Hope all is well.
Kerry
Hi, sister Kerry. I miss our days on Martha Stewart Living Radio, as well, but I am so very glad to see you here, though I know you have your own rules to live by and, successful sister that you are, that you live by them. Have any to share? Hope so. Do please keep in touch. We love our sisters so.
A wonderful set of rules for girls, I wish I knew about them. Number 13 is close to my heart. I do not think that I can quit.
Marion, a truer list there never was, starting with red shoes (my Danskos are walkable *and* red, bonus) and right up to Churchill. Never, never quit indeed.
Swwwweeeeeeeeet list! (yes, I meant to add all those extra letters) – it had me grinning and clutching my heart simultaneously. Inquiring minds want to know: was the swim team Cliff Notes or the real deal for you?
I absolutely adore you. And this post.
Oh oh oh. That last one made me tear up a little, I’ve got to admit. Beautiful.
(I was a little hesitant about the lipstick one, until the end: “to show yourself a good time, in your shade, on your terms.” I can get behind that.)
THAT is why you were asked to speak. Because you have something important to say. Lovely credo.
I love it, except for #11 – Sometimes life forces you into a detour – but get back on the road or find a new path – just don’t stay detoured!
Case in point: my little sister got pregnant freshman year and dropped out. As soon as her son went to HeadStart, she started taking classes whenever and however she could.
10 years later she has 2 kids, a full-time job and just received her Masters Degree as a CPA!
As for Churchill, I like this one: “If you’re going through hell, KEEP GOING!”
Is it OK if my red shoes these days are a clown-sized pair of red rubber Birkenstocks? (Speaking of which, I probably need a lipstick to match…)
Hey there, sisters. Thanks for getting in touch.
Hello to Susan. Let’s never worry about when we learn something, what do you say, sister? Thanks for stopping by. Always glad to see you.
Hey, Marilyn: I just this week got my first pair of Danskos. Red you say? Yours are red? Mine are leopard print, and I already have red shoe envy for yours. I saw Margaret this past Sunday and she was wearing red garden shoes, just so you know. Looking forward to seeing you again soon, Marilyn. Thanks for stopping by.
Hiya, Square-Peg Karen. Welcome to TSP. That swim team was the very best thing I did as a kid. It was the real thing for me, and I still love to swim, though I did finally fill out that bathing suit, as you can read here. Please come back soon for more.
Hi, Crazy Parenting Lisa. The love goes both ways, sister. We are always rooting for you. Thanks so much for the drop-in. We’re glad to see you here.
Hello, Danielle: Glad that the lipstick one did not disappoint. I always use my lipstick as some kind of affirmation to power up. Please come back soon for more sisterly talk.
Hi, Chef Gwen. And welcome to TSP. Thank you. That is such a lovely thing to say. And so appreciated. So sisterly of you. Please hang out with us any time.
Hi, KateSW: What a great story. Welcome to TSP, where stories like that are our reason for being here. We love to celebrate a sister’s success. Please keep coming back for more.
Hey, sister Margaret. I outed you here in the comments already above. The funny thing is I have the same ones, now 20-years-old and still going strong. Was so fun to see you in yours recently.
Never underestimate the power of a $3 lipstick from CVS to lift your spirits.
Hey, Renovation Therapy. Such good advice. Such good, good advice. We go to such lengths to lift our spirits, when most times a good fuschia lipstick will brighten the day. Tell it, sister. Thanks for dropping by.
I e-mailed a link to my 14-year-old niece, and her mother. Thanks for the wisdom.
This is going in the medicine cabinet next to the instructions for taking a shower.
It’s the place I put the things I want my daughter to see every day.
Thank you dear Marion.
Love this.
Any may I be so bold as to make an addition?
#16. Listen to your gut. Too often we ignore it, but it’s there for a reason.
Haha, Sissy. Can you believe that Renovation Therapy knows Kerry Nolan (top commenter) and I know them both for different reasons? What a funny world, our growing sisterhood.
Wonderfully done! I absolutely agree—and with Amy’s comment above (we women are often taught to put other people’s needs/desires over our own instincts). Lipstick, check.
And the red shoes—oh the red shoes! I once heard a fashion pundit say that red shoes are good only for little girls and prostitutes. That’s a piece of advice I take pleasure in flouting, from garden clogs to Converse to heels. Here’s my latest fave pair: http://bit.ly/aTByJ They always cheer me up.
Thanks for sharing your wisdom!
Hi, Janine. TSP welcomes you, and thanks you for the high compliment of sharing our list with women you love. Please come back for more sharing.
Elissa, it is always an honor to read you here. Thank you. I am delighted by your gesture of trust to share this with your child.
Yo, Amy: Absolutely. Bring on the additions. May this list grow and grow like the sisterhood that birthed it. Please add more.
Margaret, that is too funny. Wow. Cool, huh?
Hi, Tea. Oooooh. Shoe sharing. We are now blood sisters, you know, having shared our shoe tips. Fabulous. And those red Mary Janes you share above are divine, divine. Thank you.
This is a perfect list.
I am a great believer in lists.
My Mother made at least 20 a week about what she wanted to do Tuesday.
I need a pair of red shoes.
I have the lipstick DOWN.
<3 sarasophia
My red shoes are red tartan converse high tops that I found in Dublin Ireland while traveling to cooking school in County Cork in 2003. I just hit age 50 in May and my red shoes helped ease the transition… Thank you very much for this.
Wonderful list. Lots of gems in there.
Here is another one.
#17 Don’t be afraid to show your smarts. Don’t ever pretend not to know something because it doesn’t seem cool.
I’ve been coming back to this list all day long!
Lipstick is a big one. The metaphor it holds is just awe inspiring! xo
Marion, you already know how much I love this list, and I just love how it is never to late to learn these lessons to live by. For girls, yes, but for girls (and sisters) of every age. Thank you!
Lipstick–absolutely the best, and for all the right reasons.
I have red sandals too–wore ‘em when I went to Paris, and whether I was or not, I felt tres chic.
Dunno about Churchill though–from my days teaching in a professional school, and my own disastrous experience in an Italian class this summer, I might revise that to “Never give up on yourself, but know when to go. Find the thing that really feeds you, not what you think might.” Seems true whether its language class or religion.
I also love my friend Jamie’s advice for completing a major project (her dissertation): “Know when to stick a fork in it and call it done.”
Lipstick lipstick lipstick!!!! -djs
Red shoes. Yes. You know my feelings about red shoes. I just bought a pair of patent leather slingback heels that are a bright orangy melon color — close enough to red? My poor post-bunion feet can’t take them for more than 10 minutes, but just knowing they are in my closet makes me happy. I am not a fan of lipstick though. Sorry. But I do have a purple-ish colored eyeliner that I adore!
Okay, obviously I should have commented earlier! My mom once told me that it’s good to wear red shoes on important occasions. And so: I wore a pair of vintage Charles Jourdan red spectators (found for 99 cents at a thrift store!) to my college graduation, and just this morning ordered sort of outrageous red heels for my wedding in October.
I think I most love #3, #6 and #13. Thanks so much for this excellent post. It pretty much made my day.
Kerry rocks the house. Have known her for 10+ years. Sam (my Fiance) was also on her Martha show as a guest a few times.
My sisters and I crave those times we are together, because it happens less frequently than one might wish.
Sheila, Katie, Gina and I sit in Gina’s kitchen (actually, they sit; I cook) and drink wine (or Patron) and we laugh. Big, breath-losing belly laughs.
We go to the mall and sales clerks want to abandon their posts and hang with us. Waitresses tip US (just kidding).
We keep each other honest. We indulge each other’s foibles.
We don’t coddle, unless coddling is the only thing to do.
We race into yoga pants at the end of a day and “fat out” on the couch; feet or fingers touching or heads on shoulders.
We never, ever hang up the phone without saying “I love you”. We have a brother we adore, but there is something about sisters. Four of us. Just like the Beatles, but without any musical ability. Except for singing in the kitchen.
Amazing list. Thank you. Saving for my two girlies
I second Paige’s notion is that it’s never to late to learn and hope she’s right!
This is wonderful. Can you please, please make one for boys to live by?
Hello again, Sara Sophia. Ah, the inheritance of list making. Now there is something to write about. I do wonder if we come by this listing in several ways. Thanks for the thought. Please come back soon.
Hi, Karen England. I, too, can give the bloodlines of all my shoes. And I thought it was only me! Thank you for this sharing. In fact, since we’re telling truths here, I find my entire closet to be one big memoir-jolting writing jumpstart. Please come back for more.
Corina: You are so very right. Don’t be afraid to show your smarts is spot on perfect. Thank you for the addition. We’ll run the list again — with credits, of course — when we get more such gems. Please come back soon.
Hiya, Mishelle, you Secret Agent Mama. Lipstick seems to be the one most hotly debated here, but I say lipstick is a plus, I do. So glad you agree. Hope to see you here again soon.
Hey, sister Paige. Yes. You’re right. This is for sisters of every age. Thanks for the reminder.
Hi, DJ: Glad you are a red-shoe-wearing lipstick mama, as well. Love your additions. Thanks so much. Come back soon. We’ll add yours to the list, as well.
Oh, Sandy. Oh my. You bought them, and can’t wear them for long. It’s an addiction, it is. And I’m with you, sister, having a rack of shoes that are nothing but trouble for me, and do me nothing but good when I wear them. Come back soon.
Hello, Sarah. So you’re a #3, #6, and #13, sister are you? Good to know. Ah, the red wedding shoes! You send us a photo of you on your big day, sister. We’re waiting to see that. So glad to meet you. Please come on back soon.
Hi, again, Renovation Therapy. Oh, is that how you know Kerry? We love Kerry. Love her. How could you not? Just read those comments. That sister knows stuff. She does. And she shares it.
Oh, Kerry. We love this. How we love this image of the woman-sisters in your life, of waitresses who are tempted to tip you. Fabulous. Thank you, sister. We look forward to much more.
Hey, Millie: We live, and we if we are very lucky, we learn. Every day, if possible. So rich, so true. Thanks for the reminder.
Ah, Petra. What a suggestion. Hmmm. I think we need to throw this open to the sisterhood. I welcome all contributions. Any thoughts, women? Let’s see what we can do here. Stay tuned.
Good morning! I was getting ready to share this with my daughter…funnily enough, I always made sure she had a pair of red shoes! When she was a tyke, she called them “Dorothy shoes” and now they are just kick axx fun shoes! If I forward it to her, can I delete the line, “Do you really want to be a pottery major?”. She’s not, but she is a sculpture major….
;-)
Nancy
Dear Nancy: You may edit at will. It’s a sister thing, saying only what needs to be said. I suspect your daughter is a fine and talented sculpture major, and that with a mother who started her early on red shoes, she’ll know exactly how to make that major work for her. Please come back soon. We’re working on new lists all the time.
That, my friend, is a perfect list.
Elizabeth, lover of red shoes and lipstick and not much of a pack person
PS: I swear my late mother could perfectly apply lipstick WHILE DRIVING – not sitting at a light, not even glancing at the rear view mirror. I am still working on this but have my doubts.
Who doesn’t love reading or making a list? It is up there right next to “take this test to discover…” exercises.
My shoes were purple. I think purple can be my red.
I rarely wear lipstick without feeling I’m playing dress up with my Mom’s cosmetics. Lip gloss is another matter. I keep tubes in my purse, at my desk, in the kitchen, by the front door, in my car. I have little to no tolerance for life with nonglossed lips. Maybe that counts.
I am a staunch #15 advocate. I extend that slightly. Whatever I want to see more of in my life? That is what I try to consistently offer to others. I think about it thusly- whatever it is I practice most, that is what I will be best at doing.
Hey, Elizabeth. Thanks so much. That is so lovely of you to say. Yeah, I was never a pack girl either, though I do envy women at this age who have a pack to call their own. Love the lipstick image. Just perfect.
Hiya, TexasDeb: Purple is Texas red, right? So glad for the extension of #15. Noted for the record. Please come back soon.
Purple is definitely the new red.
Well, I’m glad we cleared that up.
My mother told me, one way to make yourself feel better is to buy yourself a lipstick. It makes you feel special & pretty to be putting it on…not just another day ….
and my daughter was an art major who took it to another level. She translated that education into tattoos. Who would have thought?
And we all love….red…shoes.
Hi, Carole: And welcome to TSP. We are delighted to see you here. Well, your mama was right, wasn’t she? And you are right about those snappy red shoes. And your daughter was right to turn her art major into a career. All good, all around. All very good, indeed. Please come back soon. We love having you join the sisterhood.
The voice one got me. I’ve been stopped in my tracks or tossed and turned in the night by them. I think I’m working my way out of the noise , or silence, and to see that right in the middle of a fabulous life list… heard and repeated by me , to me. Thanks !!
Hello Deb: Ah, having one’s own voice. Yes, absolutely. So glad you found a reference to it here on TSP. Come back for more and see what else you find.
Hi Marion and Margaret – if this is fun reading for people who don’t know you, imagine how meaningful it is for those of us lucky enough to have spent times in your homes, gardens and favorite ice cream spots!! Thanks for another great weekend in Upstate New York – time with you both, your humor, your love of nature and your boundless creativity left me refreshed and ready for yet another school year! We are a rather large family with a boatload of gratitude for your hospitality, openness, and concern. Love you!! Jan
Hello to Jan, the world’s greatest sister-in-law. How lovely to find you here on TSP, where you are always welcome. So glad you are enjoying the TSP content. Please feel free to add to our list. We’re taking suggestions all the time. And please come back and comment frequently. We love hearing from you.
As early as when I was 4 years old or 5? Not sure…and then for many years after, my adorable mother would take me to the drugstore at Christmas time to “buy” my gift for my grandmother. We lived with my grandmother during that time while my father was in seminary. Grams was a bank teller during the week & and church bookkeeper on the weekend. Mom was a world class musican, but I digress…Back to the drugstore -I would look at all the lipsticks and pick one and “buy” it and we would go home and wrap it up for my grandmother. She always LOVED it. It was always HER color…Of course, I’m sure Mom swapped whatever I picked for her actual color but you better believe I picked RED!
Love the list.
Love red shoes–I’ve always had a pair or two kicking around.
And I think lipstick is a great idea–people can see your smile.
Great list! I’ll never forget when I graduated college I thought to myself, I’m done, I’m finished, yeah! But then my dad said to me: “Congratulations, this is only the beginning.”
Oh, this list is spot on for me – thank you for articulating it! I’d like to add something I learned rather late, but not too late: Just because you’re good at something doesn’t mean you should be doing it. For me it was the career path I was on, but it turns out to be true in so many other ways, too.
Hello, Karen England. What a joy it is to read you describe your “adorable mother” and your act of retail love. This generational triptych is a gem to behold, a perfect piece of memoir. Thanks so much for sharing it with us. I’ll use it in my memoir teaching, you can be absolutely sure. Look how much we learn about how a family learns to love in just a short peek. Wonderful. Please come back soon with more.
Hello, Catherine, and welcome to TSP. The combo lipstick and red shoes, of course, is a killer-diller for making a woman feel herself in gear. When I have to power up, I always go for that. So glad you agree. Please come back for more as soon as you can.
Hello there, CopyStrands. And welcome back. Your dad was so right, and how kind of you to share that with us all. Such good guidance, that small phrase. We look forward to seeing you again soon.
Hi, Ingrid: And welcome to the sisterhood. Oooooh, I love your addition, and I’ll be reprising the list with all of them soon, so stay tuned. Thanks so much for coming by.