I AM CONSTANTLY [choose one: bemused/ amused/ frustrated/ mystified] by the dynamics between my son, known around here as the River, and my daughter, aka the Rock. That mystery, or my sense that there must be one, only intensifies when I try to understand that most unique sibling relationship, that of twins (or, for that matter other multiples–say, how about those California octuplets?)
The multiple-birth topic flying around TSP these days is the now-solved mystery of picture-perfect twins Maurine and Noreene Everett, whose beautifully dressed portraits ended up in the hands of a vintage-photo collector. Thanks to a reader, we now know who these women were, a bit about their family, where they grew up, and so on. But what we can’t know, about them or really any other set of siblings, friends, or husbands and wives, for that matter, is the essence of what drew them together into those fabulous identical-outfit poses.
What did they have in common (other than an obvious love of great tailoring)? What did they argue about? I wonder about these things when I see my kids, heads together, shutting me and the rest of the world out–and when I hear the explosion resulting from a conflict that is, despite the outburst it occasioned, private, and certainly not to be shared with a mom.
As an only child, the intricacies of sisterhood are a mystery to me. A few months back, TSP’s Margaret Roach and I went to the movies together, where we watched I’ve Loved You So Long. At the end, I couldn’t wait to ask Margaret, “Was that true?” Not the story–I knew it was fiction. But the way the two women, brilliantly played by Kristin Scott Thomas and Elsa Zylberstein, circled each other, reached out and then ran away, and stayed together despite the pain they both suffered–was that real?
I see the same circling and loyalty (with, thankfully, smaller stakes and much less pain) in my kids–as much as they infuriate each another (and oh, lately, they do: I’ve taken to announcing that the prescription for ending the vicious fighting over Saturday-morning cartoon choices is to simply eliminate said cartoons. That threat works, for about 10 minutes, until they’re at it again). Each is always the other’s staunchest defender ( whether against end-of-TV parental threats, or other foes).
Recently, the Rock announced her plans to marry her best friend from preschool, a (truly adorable) little boy named Noah. River responded that such a union was impossible, given his sometimes-fractious relationship with Noah’s older brother. I told the older brother to mind his own business, and the subject shifted. A few days later, I asked Miss Rock about her wedding plans. Would parents be invited? The wedding might be off, she replied. Her brother had spoken.
When I look at the great pictures of Maurine and Noreene, I wonder how they sorted out their similarities (so strong) and differences (inevitable). What did Maureen think of Noreene’s husband, Donald? Did they stay as close throughout their lives as they appear in our wonderful Kodachrome archive? In this case, we may never know the intricacies of these clearly close sisters.
But what about the rest of you? Can you help this sisterless mom understand how you really feel about the people you’ve known forever? Can you freeze a moment in time from your sisterhood, to share with the rest of us?
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I am the eldest of seven – with three brothers and three sisters.
I have a good relationship with them all but that is not to say there have not been ups and downs- particularly with one sister.
Having said that – there is nothing like a sister’s hug or a sister’s insight (except maybe your mother’s). When our father was dying it was my sisters who sliced through some of the grief with humour.
I am the eldest of two girls, though many who know my sister and me think the birth order got screwed up somehow. Four years and very different approaches to life separate us–not good or bad, just different. She likes the summer blockbusters, I the art-house flicks. She reads whatever Oprah tells her to, I take my advice from NPR. She is the most organized person I know–down to a spread sheet for shopping lists. I have to make 12 trips to the store because I *think* I’ll remember what I need.
Despite our differences, we used to be very close. Until we each got pregnant–within a week of each other–and gave birth to girls–within a week of each other. (No, you cannot plan this.) I’m not sure if it’s the age and demands of our toddlers that have kept us apart, or whether it’s our completely different philosophies about parenting that have driven us apart. But I can say this: Our relationship has changed substantially, at least from where I sit, since we added the word “Mom” to our list of duties.
It’s a big loss for me, as I always felt that no matter what happened with relationships in the rest of my life, my sister and I would be a unit. That doesn’t seem to be the case anymore, and I worry that, by the time we outgrow this phase, there might not be a “unit” left to salvage.
Mary–Welcome back. That’s amazing–eldest of seven. The time I remember most craving a sibling was when my father was dying and after he died–I have always felt it would have been better, somehow, if there were someone there to share the experience other than my mom. Thanks so much for sharing this.
Amy–Ditto on the amazing part, re: the timing of such a big change in both of your lives. And what you describe is another kind of hypothetical terror for an only like me–the idea that you’d have to deal with the potential grief of loss of a sibling relationship, not to death but to an out-of-the-blue slipping away, seems so hard. I don’t know how old your child(ren) is/are, but I do know that the early years of motherhood, at least for me, were a strange fugue state, and that things that shifted out of place during that time have often returned to something more like normal–once the exhaustion and bizarro-world of post-partum, infancy and toddler-hood passed away. I hope you’ll keep coming back, and if you feel like it, share more of your experiences.
Paige – I could not agree more with you – those first few years are almost unbearably exhausting and relationships of all kinds are strained – I do believe that Amy and her sister will find their way back to each other once more sleep is had!
Yes, Mary, on the long list of things-no-one-tells-you-or-you-fail-to-believe-them-if-they-do is how mind and body-numbingly hard and exhausting parenting an infant can be. Not for everyone, some women totally thrive on it–but I was not one of those. I loved my children’s infancies, but I was also glad to see those sleepless months (years!) recede…
Thank you for reassuring me that things eventually will slip back into place. Our daughters just turned 2 in late February, so my guess is we’re still in the “crazy” stage.
An interesting twist since I last wrote–I am pregnant again. It’s very early, and so few people know. But it will be interesting to see if/how that shifts the balance in the future.
Congrats, Amy! You are definitely still in the crazy stage with a two year old, and it only gets better. And, at least for me, baby number two was way easier than baby number one–the benefit of experience, etc. etc. Sending you good thoughts for an easy, healthy pregnancy–keep me posted. xx