KIDS FIGHT, RIGHT? This is not news. Not to those of you who grew up with siblings, anyway. As an only child, I think I believed that incessant sibling squabbling was like one of those subjects exaggerated by the media, say, anyone’s interest in the Brangelina brood: something real, to be sure, but perhaps not quite as culturally pervasive as the folks at Us magazine would like us all to believe.
Apparently–I was wrong. This whole summer, my formerly-loving children have been near blows, nearly all the time. They fight about the couch: who gets to sit on it, and where. They fight about breakfast: who should eat what, when, and prepared by whom. (As if, really, anyone other than me makes breakfast in my house. Ha!) They fight about playdates: who is having one, when, and with what lunch being served.
They fight about me, and their dad, and which one of them the dog loves most. They fight about things they don’t even like, like who gets in the tub first, or who gets to brush their teeth. They hit, and shove, and growl and…apparently none of this is at all unusual, and is only objectionable, really, because it’s annoying to parents and can make for embarrassing scenes, say, in restaurants.
A great friend of mine was visiting this summer, with her two boys, and they were engaging in similarly spirited mutually-assured destruction. She just laughed. She’s one of five you see, the fourth-youngest, and their brawl looked, to her, like a loving expression of familial joy.
But I remember when my kids looked like this, delighting in each other’s company, gazing adoringly (adoringly! really!) at each other.
Two mothers now have, unprompted by me (though perhaps, now that I think about it, prodded by witnessing my kids’ battles and my despair) suggested that I read the book Siblings Without Rivalry by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. I am a skeptic when it comes to parenting books. I tend to avoid them, which is probably foolish, but seems to save what little sanity and pride I may have left. But these mothers, with similarly hostile two-child camps in their own homes, swear by the wisdom within.
Off to the library. Meanwhile, other strategies of sibling containment management are welcome. Surely some of my fellow moms have some secrets to share? Please help, signed, Your Only-Child Sister.
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Hold on to your dream…I have two teenagers. They used to be at it like cats and dogs (although I did interupt physical fighting). I worried that they wouldn’t make it as tight siblings. This morning when I woke up, they were both STILL up from last night, joking and working on an involved computer project with each other. And wanting me to make them pancakes before they went to bed.
Paige, my adult children exchange brutal verbal blows in-between a mutually adoring and respectful relationship! You know who they are! I think they need to read that book. When I witness their spars, I just keep reminding them of kindness, which reminds me as well. And as a result, I think I’m a nicer person. I used to say having children is a cruel joke. But now I see they are my teachers and I’d be clueless without them.
Deb–That’s a really sweet story, and yes, it gives me hope! Thank you for sharing it.
Deborah–Yes, I (and the whole world of TSP) know all about your sweet pair’s slings and arrows. But we also know how much they adore each other, and you. And thank you for the reminder about what incredible teachers kids are: it’s true, and the challenge for parents is to stop, bend down, and pay attention!