IAM NOT MUCH for New Year’s resolutions. They mostly just make me feel like a slacker by the time March rolls around, one more thing for me to beat myself up for not doing well enough. (And don’t we all have enough of those already?) This year, instead of chaining myself in the guilt of unkept resolutions, I’ve decided to take a more, uh, aggressive approach.
As I’ve written complained here before, last year was hard. But hard times have a benefit, which is that they force you to examine how you live your life, and confront the ways you might make changes to accommodate whatever new difficulties you face. (I’m not trying to gloss over the extreme hardships so many sisters have faced this past year with unemployment and foreclosure rampant, and our nation still at war. I’m talking about difficulty, not catastrophe.)
In my life, one thing that became apparent this year was that my habit of putting myself dead last in order of my own priorities was actually having the opposite of the intended effect. I was spread too thin, miserable and grumpy and short with everyone. It was clear that my life needed a brand new organizing principle, and I started carving out time for three things that are, if I take the time to admit it to myself, really really REALLY a big deal to me. These were the holes in my life, and I needed to fill them, pronto.
The first was (drumroll, please) making art. I am the daughter of an incredibly talented visual artist (my mom, the queen of pie) and as such have a fair bit of insecurity about my own abilities. And yet––I love to make things, used to love to draw, have a secret desire to learn to paint…you get the idea. I compromised.
"Extra, Extra"
I took a collage class, for which, it turned out, I’d been collecting materials (old books and photographs, scraps of paper) for years. I have no illusions that I’m the next Joseph Cornell, but the attempt (often unsuccessful, but an attempt nonetheless) to fulfill my teacher‘s assignment to make a collage-a-day made me more productive than I’d been in years. And, even better, it made me happy.
"Mother, the Woven Word"
The second was to write fiction. In November, I spent about an hour a day writing fiction, yet another thing I’d wanted to do, oh, my whole life, and hadn’t really tried since second grade. I completed a first draft of a novel; this month, I’m about to dive into the rewrite after putting it aside for a few weeks to give me some breathing room and some perspective. I don’t know if it’s any good, but I think it’s got the potential to be, and you know what? It exists, all 51,000 words of it. Put another way: I did it.
"Tolerance of Concentricity"
The third was to move this old, tired body of mine. This was my strategy for not succumbing to the onslaught of butter and sugar we Americans like to call “the holidays.” Three or four days per week in December (until my kids’ vacation began–sigh) I went to a local community center/gym to a cardio or strength training class. I’ve always held to the idea that I don’t like group exercise classes, but you know what? I was wrong. I love sweating my brains out, dancing around like I’m auditioning (unsuccessfully, mind you) for a Beyoncé video, with a bunch of other women. It was oddly inspiring, and both physically and emotionally curative. When school starts again on Tuesday (yippee!) I’ll be back.
My revolution this year? To keep all three of these new habits present in my life. Ironically, this fall was the time when things got really, really hard for me and my family, and yet, having a commitment to doing these small things for myself kept me sane, rather than making me crazier for taking up my ever-evaporating time.
I learned that I don’t have to write 1,500 words in my novel every day. I don’t have to create an original collage every morning, and if I don’t make it to the gym seven days a week, that’s OK. But my revolution is to change the organizing principle of my life, which had been: “Take care of everyone else before myself.” Instead, I’m going to shoot for this trio: Make Art. Tell stories. Dance. I’ve found that by creating some space for the things that really matter, deeply, to me, I can actually take better care of everyone else.
How about you? Do you want a revolution for 2010? Do you know what the organizing principle of your life is? Does it need revising? Share with your sisters.
P.S. That image above? That’s Deborah Sampson, who disguised herself as a man and fought and was injured in the Revolutionary War. She was honorably discharged in 1783, and 20 years later, became the first woman to be awarded a federal pension for her service to her country. There are all kinds of revolutionaries. Thanks to the site Honor Roll of Liberty for this image of the statue of Deborah, located in Sharon, Connecticut.
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{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }
Paige–
Where did you take the collage class? I have always wanted to do that. When I went to a workshop at Esalen a few years ago, I went to the art barn during my free time and made collages. It was thrilling.
Your focus on yourself is very inspiring!
i am with you all the way, girlfriend! i threw a tantrum to be alone today, so i can even THINK about what i want this year to be about!!! i love your resolutions, and i love your collages! happy new year, beautiful! xoxo
I say we want a revolution, and that we are inspired in our charge by your honesty as much as we are by your courage. Write on, sister. We’re typing and taping and stirring, painting, etching, gluing and editing right along with you.
Paige –
Wow! As Marion said, write and rip and dance on, sister. I like this clean, emotionally honest post, but more important I love the clear steps you took when you saw they were needed. I’ve always hated group exercise, too, but have similarly found the gym an unexpected sanity site, a place where your direction goes nowhere but up.
Happy New Year, Paige – may 2010 see you (and all of us) happier, step by loving step. xox
Dearest Sister Paige, you have inspired me, what greater gift can we sisters do for each other? I too have come up with a few “new rules for 2010″, i want to get the creative juices flowing once again, my focus is still not clear, and i have made a little bargain with myself, if i floss and exercise everyday, then i can wine!!!! I want to read more, anything good to suggest? enjoy your freedom and move girl, move!!! oxox
i took a collage class last year, too — and i agree, it was an amazing experience that made me very happy. you have just convinced me to re-up for another class starting jan. 15 (i am in the berkshires, it’s in stockbridge at is183 with karen arp-sandel) even though i “don’t have time.” i’ll make time. xoxo
Pam–How funny; Karen was my teacher (she’s linked up above) and I love IS 183 and her class. I’d be back next Friday except that’s ski day (from January through March) for my kids, and I have promised them that this year, I will learn to ski, too. Dear God, what have I gotten myself into?? But if you’re there for the following session in the spring, we’ll be able to paste our little hearts out together.
Good for you, Paige. How perfect that you found the right outlet for all you’d been collecting for these years. I love “Tolerance” especially. I would just like to find some organization, let alone an organizing principle, so haven’t made much attempt at taking better care of me. I think I’ll now go brave the mess that is my space to be creative, clear it out, and use it. Happy New Year. Ski like you dance, and you’ll love it!
Paige, I am wondering if you were in my kindergarden class in Texas and we haven’t realized it yet? I totally understand everything you said. AND, I learned about Deborah Sampson in 5th grade when I read all of the biographies of women in my elementary school library. I recently told my daughter about her. Thank you for your thoughtful comments on 7OF.