Zoe FitzGerald Carter’s Sisterhood: Peace Among the Imperfections

By Marion Roach Smith
STYLE.” “SYMPATHY.” “WISE.” “Luminous.” “Compassionate.” “Wit.” These are words taken from rave reviews of Zoe FitzGerald Carter’s book, Imperfect Endings, to which I can only add, “astonishing,” after reading the memoir recounting her mother’s decision to die with dignity. Employing a combination of humor, grace and wisdom, Zoe drives us to toward understanding what is at stake for a family when the stakes are as high as they get. In her recent correspondence with The Sister Project, Zoe was equally brave and direct, answering our questions about how their mother’s decision affected Zoe and her two sisters. What emerges is a portrait of sisterhood unlike any I’ve read. I think you’ll agree.

First, some plot background: Having lived with Parkinson’s for 20 years, FitzGerald Carter’s headstrong mother, Margaret, decides she wants to end her life—and have her three daughters by her side when she goes. Zoe is the youngest, and long the favorite, and writes beautifully of how her own birth order and its attendant perspective works as the lens through which she views the unfolding family drama. The eldest sibling, Katherine, distances herself from the situation, while sister Hannah is a reliable source of moral and emotional support.

When TSP reached out to Zoe, this generous new sister-friend reached right back, telling us her tale–one layered not just with such hard times, but also with shared Cyndi Lauper songs and black eyeliner, and talking on the phone while eating (a real sign of sisterhood, she says):

“I’m the youngest of three girls,” she says (the photo, top, of the girls is from a wonderful family album on Zoe’s website). “My middle sister and I are Irish twins–just over a year apart–and we are incredibly close. I think my oldest sister, who is almost four years older than me, often felt excluded from this island of two. Threesomes are difficult– someone is always getting left out!

“I grew up in Washington D.C. in the ’60′s and ’70′s, which was a fabulous time and place to grow up. My parents and their friends were very liberal and politically active and they used to take us to the peace marches down by the capital to protest the Vietnam War. Many of my friends at school were the children of politicians and media types and it made the machinations of government seem very real and tangible.”

With these facts as catalyst, Zoe began to think about journalism.

“I was always interested in writing and began working as a journalist in Boston right after college,” she says. “I moved to New York City a few years later to go to Columbia Journalism School, and spent about ten years freelancing for magazines and newspapers. I wrote for Premiere, a film magazine, but I also wrote about women’s health issues, both physical and mental. After giving birth to two girls, I wrote a mystery novel set in my old neighborhood in Brooklyn. I got an agent right away but the book never sold.”

In 2001, Zoe’s mother (above as a young woman, from the family album) ended her own life; a few years later, Zoe wrote Imperfect Endings (Simon & Schuster), which hit the stands March 2 to wide interest in the press.

“I’ve been really enjoying becoming part of this huge, interesting conversation about end-of-life issues,” she says. And then there is the other core topic: that of sisterhood.

Many people who have read Imperfect Endings have asked Zoe what her sisters thought of the book.

“I write in considerable depth about the dynamics between the three of us in a series of flashbacks to our childhood and adolescence,” she says. “Not all of it was flattering and, under the circumstances, they’ve both been incredibly nice about it. No one grows up thinking that their sibling is going to write a book and put them in it some day so I’m grateful for their understanding. The reason that I included them to the extent that I did is that I’ve found that what happens between siblings when a parent gets sick or is close to death is often a big part of that experience. Who shows up, who doesn’t, what roles people play, etc.. I wanted to explore that aspect of the story.”

The TSP Q&A with Zoe FitzGerald Carter:

Q: Fill in the blank: You know you’re a sister when…?

A.“Something big happens and it doesn’t seem real until you’ve told your sister about it.”

Q: What does the word ‘sister’ mean to you?

A. “Intimacy, trust, talking on the phone while eating.”

Q: Are there any pop culture or cultural references that make you think of your sister/sibling/sister-friend(s)?

A. “Whenever I hear Cyndi Lauper I think of my sister, Sarah. We were both into big shoulder pads and heavy eye make-up back in the ’80′s. We thought we were so hip.”

Q: Are there any worst-of/best-of sister tales you want to share?

A. “I think I used to feel that my middle sister was the ‘good sister’ and my oldest sister was the ‘bad sister.’ But I’ve come to have a lot more affection and compassion for my oldest sister. Growing up in our household was not easy for her. It always amazes me how siblings can have such totally different experiences in the same family. Birth order, gender, personality types, chemistry with the parents, all these immutable things can radically effect a child’s experience.

“I used to be upset with my oldest sister for not fully participating in the last months of my mother’s life and for not being there when she died. But one thing I came to appreciate when I was writing Imperfect Endings was that my oldest sister had real, compelling reasons to make the choices that she did and I was able to let go of that judgment. It’s opened the way to a closer or, at least more peaceable, relationship.”

Q: What’s the most important lesson you’ve learned from your “sister” experience?

A.“There used to be a joke that (heterosexual) women would make about needing a ‘wife.’ Wouldn’t it be great to have someone who would cook and clean and pick up the kids so we could focus on more important things, like our work, the way men traditionally have? Well, I feel like every woman needs a sister, whether it is a close friend–even a male friend–a cousin, an aunt or a ‘real’ sister. Just someone who knows us incredibly well and who loves us unconditionally.”

Note: Zoe FitzGerald Carter’s upcoming appearances are listed on the Simon and Schuster site here.

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